I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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