I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
