Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
