I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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