i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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