Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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