I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
my poor anus
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
