You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
