thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i need some magic done to my vagina
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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