there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
