bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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