I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
