who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Fuck appropriateness.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
