she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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