I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
