I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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