I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
