Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
