I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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