I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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