i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
