I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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