I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
