I molested 6 butterflies tonight
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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