did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh god it's open bar.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
