Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
