i can't believe i had my finger in that
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
