Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
