I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
