Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
