If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize