The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
