the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
