Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
it's like heaven, but drunker
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
