I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
