can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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