She is in my trunk
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
There's even glitter on my cock...
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