On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She's JV to your varsity
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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