I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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