I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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