I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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