im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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