Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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