you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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