Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
