I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
