Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We don't watch enough power rangers
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
