I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
