I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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