Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
