never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
