If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
