he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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