Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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