This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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