my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
