my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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