Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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