Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
