I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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