I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
