Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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