and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
