Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
