I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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