you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
