just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
