I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Who died my cat blue again?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
