So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
