Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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