You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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