shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Drunk is not a location!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
