I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I intend to get homeless drunk
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
