If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
where does the pee come out of this thing
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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