i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
